Benny was not a notable employee. An Analyst IV in our Net Assets division, his work was diligent, but not inspiring. His C-003 report on Reconciliation of Operating Loss was accountable, but not enthralling. He mainly kept to himself and always seemed transfixed on the carpet. Conversations around the water cooler were strained and awkward.
It was Tuesday 8:13PM. Our team was deep into finalizing the Doubtful Accounts addendums for the Annual Report when I heard the screams.
Benny had mummified a Subway foot-long under some packaging tape. You'd be surprised at how hard a sandwich can get. While the blows were mitigated by the bread, the footlong functioned surprisingly well as a club.
There were no fatalities, but all of us suffered sizable bruises. I have one on my left calf only because I'm a fast runner. Cynthia, our payroll administrator, was not so lucky.
Accumulated depreciation increased $41M to $1.1B this year. Depreciation expense was $132M and the accumulated depreciation on assets sold or disposed during the year was $91M. I told Benny exactly this. I explained why we were waiving his 3% merit increase again. He said he understood, calmly turned around, and said he was going to get a bite to eat.
My porn collection is divided into four folders: 1) that which concerns the fears and/or desires of females between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one, 2) that which concerns emissions taking place in garages or barns, 3) black cocks, and 4) uncategorized. In 1999, the Governmental Accounting Standards Board prohibited use of work computers in the viewing, archiving, and disseminating of pornography. One may reasonably conclude that case No. 4 merits a lower initial physiological response yield than relationship bonds if one believes that its residual value 30 years hence will have greater emotive power.
A club sandwich, or "clubhouse sandwich," is usually served in a double bread layer. Often cut into quarters, and held together by cocktail sticks, its traditional ingredients are turkey, ham, bacon, lettuce, and tomato—the former two distinguishing it from a BLT. Mayonnaise is a common condiment, though some use honey mustard for complexity. A club sandwich is hardly ever used in a clubbing rampage.
My wife is Kat, short for Katy, short for Kathy, short for Katherine, short for Katherine the Ball-buster of 4120 Emery Lane. I come home around 1:00AM. The police had questions about Benny Goon's whereabouts.
"What the fuck," Kat said. She was wearing her cow print pajamas.
"I saw the news," she said, grinning.
"Yes, I saw the cameras."
"You looked so fucking meek. You are so fucking meek. Every year it gets worse."
I didn't reply—it was true. Life is a slow motion sneeze and my face has welted into a giant hive. Tomorrow I will go to work and Benny will not be there. I'll instruct one of the Admin Assts to clear out his cubicle. Somebody will take his place; then somebody will take that person's place. Curled resumes fall from fax machines like shapeless blanched leaves denied any sun. Room temperature is freezing. People are let go. People let go.
That which concerns emissions taking place in barns includes a beautiful scene involving a horse. Kat is asleep doing a wonderful impersonation of a cow. The blue light from the monitor on the walls creates an underwater scene, the back and forth shadow from my arm like detached kelp, swaying slowly in the thick salted sea.